The Math of Weight Loss, Hammering and Why You Will Probably Not Make Heaven


The math of weight loss is simple.

It is Wl/g = Gl + (ΔFi + WlEx)

Translated to English, it is: Weight Loss or Gain equals Glycogen plus the Net Weight Gain from Food-Intake plus Weight Loss as a result of Exercise.

This meins that …

If you think drinking a magic slimming tea will turn you to Anthony Joshua, you wee sleep dia.

If you are serious about losing weight, eat less food and exercise. Period! Why people keep Googling “How to lose 20kg in one week” or why they follow that notorious link on Mashable that is everywhere — the one with a before and after was-very-fat/but-now-slimmed down picture, is a study in understanding humans for who we really are. Humans love to cut corners QED. And we will listen to anyone/anything that tells us that the short cut we’d rather take will get us to our destinations.

We want to be stupendously wealthy but we can’t seem to save more than we spend or embrace the habits that make wealthy people wealthy. Yet every day, we cut betting slips, talk about what we will do with one million dollars if we had it and oogle pages of Instagram bourgeois. We argue endlessly at our lower class watering holes on why we don’t like the 2019 Audi R8 but we’d rather buy a Pagani Zonda. We then log into our various MMM portals later at night before going to bed dreaming of that one big win that will set us up for life. We write posts on Social Media, secretly wishing it will blow and then turn us to influencers and throw open the floodgates. The rhetoric of pastorprenuers is never lost on us on Sundays when we are not wishing upon these other stars.

You see, what will make you wealthy is as simple as what will make you lose weight. And it is first realizing that the answers to life’s goals are not complex at all, that we ourselves are the complex variable in the equation. Disciplining our body/mind/soul or depriving it of immediate gain and taking it through pain is not what we are very good at but sadly it is at the baseline of most human achievements — starting with losing weight.

And this brings me to the latter half of the title.

One day, while being quizzed by his disciples about who was the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven, Jesus answered them by calling a child to sit on his laps and he said “Truly, I say unto you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Christ’s many references to children in his parables (in my understanding) isn’t coincidental. It is descriptive of the kind of mindset Christ expects us to have for us to be able to understand him and the truth he came to teach. Christ understood that the adult mind was set and wired a different way from that of a child. Jesus understood that the simplest of statements or concepts would often confound adults. Not because they are short of wit but because they are more knowledgeable. Where a child would hear the truth of a thing as it is being told, an adult would hear their version of the truth of that thing as it was heard. The things they often hear are the things they had ‘badly wanted to hear’ all along just like the voice that tells them that they don’t have to be prudent to be wealthy or be consistently active to lose weight. And paradoxically, the same knowledge that tilts them towards copping an easy way out of everything is the same one that makes them suspicious of the too-easy-to-be-true things of life, especially where life’s seemingly complex abstractions are concerned.

There is this game on my son’s Kindle called Word Rings that I like to play with. It is a word game where a picture is displayed and you are to decipher two words that explain the picture. You then try putting together those two words from a random cluster of two letter and one letter words. While playing this game with my sons, I have realized how sometimes, I go off on a tangent and spend hours trying to think of the right word for a certain picture and my 3 year old will walk up to the screen and say cup or legs only for me to realize that was the answer I was looking for all along.

The above analogy captures what I have observed about the affairs of men and the simple things of this life. That when a thing is actually difficult to achieve, man tries to find easier routes to that destination. But when it appears or sounds to be too simple or too easy, man somehow tries to complicate it and bend it into grotesque forms until their craving for complexity is satisfied. Man doesn’t fully believe that simple answers could be found to what they have concluded to be life’s very complex problems. So much that man, so full of knowledge, often tries very hard to justify their breadth of knowledge by complicating simple things so they can apply that knowledge for which they feel so entitled. Anything that appears not to demand of their intellect fails them.

They are like the person that is asked,

“How are you?”

That proceeds to answer with,

“My nebulous medulla at the primus instance of comprehending this commonplace visitation confounded in its implosive thoughts as to whether to first answer in the glorious affirmative or enunciate in detail, the internal state of topsy-turvy aptly felt by the brusque recipient of this rhetorical salutation.”

And in this is man’s weakness, especially with the Christian faith. In that it is so simple in its charter — to accept the life of Christ and all our sins no matter how grave are forgiven and we have eternal life. But man thinks to himself. It cannot be this simple? So he creates doctrines, objects of worship, slangs and lingos, he adopts mantras and chakras, he garbs himself in fancy robes and sackcloth and sets aside days and months and years for the advancement of this dogma. He does practically every other thing apart from the simple tenets of the charter, to convince himself that he has indeed worked hard to deserve this grace that has been so freely given. He cuts himself so blood may flow. He falls hard upon himself so that he groans under the full weight of his sins as though that were sufficient a penance. He wears his stoicism in a frown that betrays his self-framed piety. He speaks like those that are saved and distances himself from the sullied. And like this he continues to wallow in his misery taking the hard route. He continues to listen to the voices that confirm his bias and praise him for working out his salvation by fire and brimstone. Sunday in, Sunday out, Sabbath in, Sabbath out, he lives in a circle — locked away from the light of this marvelous truth, one a child will easily comprehend. Which is that all the burden he stoically bears, Christ had laid waste at the cross and for him His cross is grace.


Osundolire Ifelanwa

Talking to this familiar spirit I call friend

*image credit.

Architect. Writer. Aspiring Immortal